July 23rd marked one year since the last time I skated. The last time I did anything remotely strenuous. After that day, my life dissolved into a confusing mess of panic attacks and feeling completely shattered. Desperation and despair were the primary emotions I felt, hopelessness and bitterness soon followed. After surgery, and trying one type of hormone replacement after another without success; I didn't exactly give up - but I did give in. I decided to live my life one day at a time with zero expectations. If I had a good day where I actually had some energy and got some things done without having panic attacks or heart palpitations, I chalked it up to being a good day and not a turning point. Right now there are no turning points in my life, there are good days and bad days. I've accepted this.
My experience with the last pellet doctor was a disaster, my estradoil crashed and all of my worst symptoms came back. Suddenly I was having panic attacks in the car again - despite taking Xanax prior to leaving the house. What a major set back. I went back to gyn #2 (Dr R) and had a nice long talk with her. I had my husband in there with me. She agreed with me that I am one of those women who needs my estrogen levels higher, that a 'normal' level of 60 -70 isn't going to work for me. She drew a ton of blood and scheduled me to come back and see her in two weeks. In the meantime, I'm taking 5 mg of estradoil per day (that's pretty high) and every evening I feel it wear off and experience a very uncomfortable crash. I quit taking progesterone and increased my Prozac to 20 mg/day, that seemed to help lighten the depression and the day time sleepiness.
Blood results came back with my estradoil at 78, even with taking such a large dose. I can't seem to hold onto this hormone! My free T3, thyroid antibodies, and reverse T3 were high; so Dr R dropped my Armour down to 105 and gave me a 25 mg pellet of estradoil; no testosterone. (My total testosterone was over 200 - she wants it below that; even though I'm not having any symptoms of high testosterone.) She had the pellet inserted in minutes with no discomfort or excessive bleeding. A much better experience than the first doctor. She scheduled me for labs in 6 weeks and told me to quit the oral estradoil in 5 days. I decided to taper off of it over the course of 2 weeks because of the crash I feel every evening. I've already experienced that feeling on a larger scale and it is very uncomfortable. Right now I'm on 2 mg/ day today and tomorrow; then I'm off of it. I am scared, I hope the pellet kicks in enough to keep me from regressing again. Going backwards is an epic disappointment, it undermines any tiny trickle of confidence that I build up during a good day.
In the meantime, I've become very introspective. I spend a lot of time in the back yard with my bare feet on the grass; taking pictures of birds and listening to the sounds of summertime. Wind in the trees, birds singing, lawn mowers. I believe that things happen for a reason, that we're supposed to take life lessons from times of diversity. Those lessons aren't always easy to see, and sometimes they're missed altogether. I think for me I needed to slow down a little bit and let go of some things. It's an intensely personal journey, but I am paying attention. I do not know what the future holds, but I take it one day at a time.
My depression has decreased a lot. This is a very good thing! I was in a very dark and very scary place. I have tried to become the type of person who embraces life, who is always optimistic; who sees the good in every situation. That outlook has been sorely tested. But I never completely lost it. I just had to redirect some of it. I hate being agoraphobic but know that it's temporary. When my estrogen levels are higher, I feel more inclined to leave the house. I walked to the mailbox yesterday with the dog and didn't have even a twinge of anxiety. The last time I did that I had a panic attack so bad I almost went to a neighbor to ask him to walk me home. That is literally a 3 minute walk. It made me angry that I felt so out of control. I just put my eyes down and watched one foot go in front of the other until I was back home; then I cried because it's so frustrating to feel that way. Any day I can get through without that anxiety is a win; even if I'm so fatigued I can barely move.
So that's where I'm at. I get blood drawn again 4 weeks from tomorrow. I see my Dr 10 days after that; she'll probably boost me with testosterone; possibly boost me with estradoil. I just have to hope that this pellet is enough to keep me where I'm at, if not better. I don't want to go backwards again. But life, I am paying attention.
Some of my photos - my therapy.
Thanks to everyone who is hanging with me. This has been one hell of a ride.
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