Am I There Yet??

Somewhere along the tracks, I hit a turning point. I am not sure when it was, because I have had so many set backs that I've let go of any expectations of recovery. But I've been feeling really good for the past two weeks, I've been out driving without medication, and generally feeling more like me again. I still feel like I'm constantly shaking and I have bad fatigue and some other symptoms; but haven't had a panic attack since last month. I've had anxiety, but no full blown panic attacks. That gives me confidence to start exposing myself to the world so I can teach my brain that I'm okay, that there's no need for fight or flight when I go anywhere. That's the hard part, letting go of the FEAR of having a panic attack. But I'm getting there!

The main thing is that I feel good again, mentally. I feel happy, optimistic, and hopeful. I hung on, I made it through the worst of it. I am really thinking that I'm off the roller coaster and on my way to my new quality of life, and not just cresting another hill. I actually want to go do things now; it's been a long time since I've had any desire to leave my house...

This hasn't been the best summer I've ever had; but it also wasn't the worst, either. It was a quiet, introspective, and healing summer. I bought a journal in Minnesota when I did my first Northshore inline marathon back in 2011, and on the cover it says 'teach me to listen to the song of the earth'. The next year when I went back, I bought the matching mug. As I sit outside in my yard - I listen. And I've learned. I can hear the song of the earth. My heart has let go of my bitterness and I've accepted that there will be things I won't be able to do again. I'm at peace with that. I think I've come through this a better person. Everything happens for a reason, I think all hardships come with valuable life lessons. I didn't give up. I feel different, more content and more connected. So this wasn't entirely a bad thing...

I get labs drawn next Thursday to see where my levels are and I will probably get a booster of testosterone the following week. Hopefully that will help with my energy level. Overall though, I feel pretty good. I'll be halfway through the life of this pellet so it should be peaking soon. I am scared that I'll crash again, but for now I'm just enjoying feeling semi normal. Ish. (I'll take whatever I can get!)

My Yard is my Haven

Thank you to everyone who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. I appreciate the love and support. I know how hard it is to love broken people, so I'm very grateful to you. 

Finding Reasons

I know a lot of people have been writing about Robin Williams, so I just wanted to collect my thoughts before I wrote them down. As someone who has struggled with depression since I was 13, I definitely have a lot of thoughts and feelings about depression and suicide. I've been suicidal depressed several times, I attempted suicide at 13 by taking a bunch of pills. I got scared and made myself throw up, but not before doing some permanent damage. I sat with a gun to my head during the summer of 1993 after experiencing my first full blown bipolar manic episode. I was hysterical, paranoid and delusional, and should have been hospitalized. But, it would be another 7 years before being diagnosed with bipolar. I remember sitting there, staring blankly at the wall with tears pouring down my face; and I heard my birds. My sweet, wonderful birds. That broke through the madness, rational thought returned, and I realized what I was doing. I made myself go to a shrink and was put on antidepressants. After my mom died in 1998, I used to get drunk and drive, then sit outside of my house crying because I made it home alive. I've been through some dark shit, I know how that type of a mind works.

After my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and subsequent bombardment of drugs to put that dragon in chains; I had another psychotic episode and fantasized about cutting myself. I didn't actually want to do it, but.. A part of me really NEEDED to do it. I didn't though. I was so depersonalized, so numb from the drugs; I needed to feel something, ANYTHING. I had graphic fantasies of smashing my hands through windows and cutting myself with knives. Horrifying, right? Somehow, I got through it though. I got off of the bipolar medications and was actually doing pretty well for a long time. I had depressive episodes but nothing like the darkness of my past. I learned to embrace life and made it my motto to live big, get outside and be a part of the world. I felt happiness, and peace. I was participating, I learned to co-exist with the dragon, even embracing elements of it that made me feel unique. I rode the ups and downs and I learned to accept who I was and how to live with it. 

Then my health went to shit a year ago and I ended up in that dark place again. Every time I had a panic attack, with wave after wave rolling over my body like a relentless tide, unable to breathe and feeling completely hopeless; I would sob and wish for it to be over. I didn't want to be here anymore. Every morning when I woke up, I felt a crushing disappointment that I was awake. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. Because existing is not living. Being agoraphobic, unable to even walk down the street to the mailbox or get into a car without hyperventilating until I almost pass out: that is NOT fucking living. I wanted to give up so bad. I thought about it every day. I even thought about how I would do it. I was in a really bad place.

I'm pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

And oh, darkness I feel like letting go

- Sarah McLachlan

But the difference between me and someone who gives in to the despair is that I know how to find reasons to keep living. I don't listen to the voice that tells me I'm worthless, that I'm a burden, that the world would be better off without me. I know that's not true. I watched my family self destruct after my brother and mom died; I know how devastating it is to lose someone you love. I know people love me. I don't want to be the reason for that level of pain. I don't stand in judgment of those who felt that they couldn't hold on any longer though; I understand them. When you feel like you're drowning, you just want it to be over. I don't think it's a matter of being strong or being weak - it's just a matter of being able to see through the weight of that darkness and know that there is still light out there. Some people just can't see anymore. I feel sad for them and their families, but I understand that pain because I have felt it. 

I needed to find ways to break through the darkness. One of the first things I did was start listening to music again. I allowed myself to become lost in the past, because the present was so raw and uncomfortable. I allowed myself to visit places that were warm and comforting. Then I picked up my camera, and I found a world of amazing peace and contentment right in my back yard. I started taking Prozac. I think I'm on the right track with the rest of my hormones. I just had to keep holding on long enough find my footing again. I feel like I'm getting there. 

Robin Williams wasn't a coward. He didn't take the easy way out. Death is a big scary unknown. But then again, so is life. I guess it's just a matter of deciding which one is worth the risk. For me, I want to see how this all plays out on its own. But that's my choice. He made his and I understand.

I'm strong; but I'm also weak. I'm sure this won't be the last time I'll be standing on a ledge trying to decide if I should jump. I just hope I will still be open enough to keep finding reasons to stick around. It's a sad, sorry, fucked up world. But it can also be an amazing and beautiful place if you find a way to see it.

This song helped me through my teen years, and it still resounds with me. Find Reasons.

So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender

And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and to never surrender

- Corey Hart