Am I There Yet??

Somewhere along the tracks, I hit a turning point. I am not sure when it was, because I have had so many set backs that I've let go of any expectations of recovery. But I've been feeling really good for the past two weeks, I've been out driving without medication, and generally feeling more like me again. I still feel like I'm constantly shaking and I have bad fatigue and some other symptoms; but haven't had a panic attack since last month. I've had anxiety, but no full blown panic attacks. That gives me confidence to start exposing myself to the world so I can teach my brain that I'm okay, that there's no need for fight or flight when I go anywhere. That's the hard part, letting go of the FEAR of having a panic attack. But I'm getting there!

The main thing is that I feel good again, mentally. I feel happy, optimistic, and hopeful. I hung on, I made it through the worst of it. I am really thinking that I'm off the roller coaster and on my way to my new quality of life, and not just cresting another hill. I actually want to go do things now; it's been a long time since I've had any desire to leave my house...

This hasn't been the best summer I've ever had; but it also wasn't the worst, either. It was a quiet, introspective, and healing summer. I bought a journal in Minnesota when I did my first Northshore inline marathon back in 2011, and on the cover it says 'teach me to listen to the song of the earth'. The next year when I went back, I bought the matching mug. As I sit outside in my yard - I listen. And I've learned. I can hear the song of the earth. My heart has let go of my bitterness and I've accepted that there will be things I won't be able to do again. I'm at peace with that. I think I've come through this a better person. Everything happens for a reason, I think all hardships come with valuable life lessons. I didn't give up. I feel different, more content and more connected. So this wasn't entirely a bad thing...

I get labs drawn next Thursday to see where my levels are and I will probably get a booster of testosterone the following week. Hopefully that will help with my energy level. Overall though, I feel pretty good. I'll be halfway through the life of this pellet so it should be peaking soon. I am scared that I'll crash again, but for now I'm just enjoying feeling semi normal. Ish. (I'll take whatever I can get!)

My Yard is my Haven

Thank you to everyone who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. I appreciate the love and support. I know how hard it is to love broken people, so I'm very grateful to you.