Anxiety is a thief. It steals your breath. It robs you of your confidence. It picks your freedom from your pocket until you're shackled by your fears. Panic attacks are a violent assault, a relentless intruder who comes on like a tidal wave and leaves you shivering in the dark of your own soul; completely violated and spent. I have spent time with these two - but they did not steal the one thing that is mine and mine alone - and that is my indomitable spirit. I am a warrior. I may cower, I may give in; but deep down inside, I stay fierce. This is my pride and my saving grace. I. Stay. Fierce.
I've been conquering my fears these past few weeks; taking leaps and bounds towards regaining the things that have been stolen from me. I've been driving a lot, mostly by myself. I've been doing social events. Spending time in places that used to terrify me. But the one thing I had yet to face was The Loop. It's about a mile long walk around my neighborhood. It's a lovely walk. You come around a corner and there's a breath-taking view of the mountains; but every time I have tried to do it over these past few months; I've had horrible panic attacks. Assaulted and robbed of my freedom. The Loop has loomed. I've done plenty of walks, I've walked around lakes and parks and short walks in my neighborhood; but I've been avoiding The Loop. Today I decided it was time to conquer this fear.
It's cold today, overcast, the sky randomly spitting icy drops of rain. It's windy. It's perfect. I put on my favorite running sweatshirt and my iPod; laced up my sneakers and I set out. I paid attention to the sky, to the wind; the leaves dancing and twirling from tree tops to scatter across the pavement. I felt the rain, I smelled the musky scent of autumn. And I walked. I walked the entire loop. I never felt either one of my old companions; I only felt joy. When I got home, I cried.
In life, you will have things happen to you that don't make sense, that you cannot understand. You will have things taken from you. You will be battered and bruised and sometimes broken; but in the end you still have a choice. Do you lie down and accept that this is it,this is just the way it is? Or do you find a safe harbor, shelter the bones of your strength somewhere deep inside - seeds to be planted when the sun returns? I chose to rise up again. I cannot be any other way. Life without passion is pointless, and passion is impossible when you're a prisoner. I conquered a one mile loop around my neighborhood, and now I feel like I can conquer mountains.
