Coming Back to Life...

Like a drowning woman who suddenly breaks through the surface of the water to gasp for a life saving breath: I feel like I'm waking up and coming out of one of the worst years of my life. I have found inspiration in music, and poetry, and photography. I feel connected once more, to the world and the life force within it - and within myself. I no longer feel like letting go. I no longer feel resigned or full of despair; I feel optimistic and hopeful again. I'm so glad I talked myself down whenever I found myself on that ledge, feeling like the best years of my life had been lived and all that remained in front of me was a blank, empty void. The loss of wonder, and passion, and the zest for life is like the death of the soul. I refused to believe that was it and that there was no more magic for me. My light was dim; but definitely not burned out.

I'm 7 weeks into my new hormone replacement and I think that's really, really helped. I have an appointment on Monday, I'll probably get some more testosterone and possibly a little bit more estradoil. I feel great overall, but I am still extremely fatigued, and I feel shaky, like my whole body is vibrating. It's uncomfortable. I also have some joint and muscle aches, and I can't sleep without medication; but when I do sleep I sleep better. But mentally, I pretty much feel like me again. I am still having anxiety, but no panic attacks. Part of that is needing to rewire my brain with exposure therapy, and I'm working on that. Getting out more, driving; getting back to being a part of the world. My HOPE is that I'll be ready to get back to work by October or November. (Fingers Crossed.) 

In the meantime, I work on exposing myself to things that cause me anxiety. Driving, social situations. I am completely in love with photography; I don't care if my photos are crappy or amazing - I just enjoy being out and feeling a sense of wonder and awe whenever I see something new. It's refreshing. I'm grateful to my muse for inspiring me, I'm extremely grateful to the people who really dug in and helped me when I felt lost and alone. So many things I'm grateful for, I feel it every day. Very positive vibes all up in here!

"Beneath all these frozen fields

There is all the time to heal
So let all your memories go
Spread your wings and watch the flowers growing"

- Nick Heyward