Stuck

I've been so busy waiting to feel better, that I forgot to move. I sit very still for very long periods of time - waiting. My world has closed into this hushed, tiny sphere; with me at the center - sitting very still. Just waiting. I'm not usually the type of person who accepts defeat, lies down, and gives up; so this is quite perplexing. I know part of it is physical, I'm always tired. I'm always cold. I have issues with my breathing. But I've gotten to a point of coddling those things instead of pushing at them. Prodding to test the limits. Again, there is a reason for this - I've pushed the air hunger thing and ended up with panic attacks; half a mile from home with the dog on a leash, in the middle of the grocery store, getting a pedicure; walking to the mailbox. Anxiety is like a virus, it starts small but soon takes over, and I've let it. Panic attacks are horrible. Feeling like I can't get enough air and I'm suffocating is terrifying. How could I not want to avoid that feeling? 

I've had a lot of people telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and you know what? I already know all of this stuff. I just hear 'blah blah blah' because people should already know how advice works - you can dole it out until your face turns blue, but until a person is actually ready to accept and make changes; you're just wasting your breath. Not to mention that in my case, most of the time the advice is unsolicited, and it pisses me off to receive unsolicited advice. It makes me defensive. I'll push to expand this sphere when I'm ready. I'll cut back on the Xanax when I'm ready. I know the dangers of becoming addicted to it, I know how this works - I'm not stupid. I'm stagnant. I'm afraid, and I'm stuck; but I'm not stupid. I have a specific group of people whom I go to for advice; from everyone else I just need a little patience and a little understanding. 

My primary care physician is finally back from leave and I saw him yesterday. It is a huge relief to have him back on the radar; he is one of the people I rely heavily on for advice and information. We mostly talked about the Hashimoto's and the gastroparesis; one theory for why my thyroid numbers and symptoms are all over the map is absorption issues. Since my digestive system is not working right, I'm probably not absorbing my thyroid medication consistently. I believe it, when I was taking an oral progesterone pill - I didn't really feel anything. Since switching to a sublingual (it melts under my tongue, bypassing the gut and going right into the blood stream) I've noticed that it's helping me sleep. So we're going to switch me to a compounded sublingual troche for the thyroid - and find a dose that's between 90 mg (too low) and 120 mg (too high.) He's also running some tests to rule out bacterial overgrowth in the guts, and a saliva cortisol test - I'm fairly certain my adrenals are shot, I just don't know what to do about it. My weight is maintaining at 125, so that's good.

As far as my other hormones go, I'm on the right track with the pellets. I feel a little better overall, but I know sometimes it takes a while for those to kick in. I started low too; so it might take a couple of insertions before getting that just right. The doctor thinks the thyroid is my main issue right now so he wants to work on that. He also says he believes I'm depressed (uh yeah, ya think?) I admitted that. Anyone in my situation would be depressed. But with the bipolar disorder and my propensity to lean more towards the depressive pole - I have to be diligent. I've been acutely aware of the depression because it's not my usual soft, melancholy depression; where I just feel introspective and painfully in touch with my emotions (which I actually don't mind.) This is that dark pit kind of depression, and that's the dangerous one.

And that's where a little pushing needs to come into play. But I don't want to BE pushed - I need to push myself. I haven't had a depressive episode like this in a very long time, but I know that no one can get me out of it but me. This goes beyond hormones and a jacked up stomach; I feel stuck. And getting unstuck is going to take some conscious effort on my part. I've noticed that I don't listen to music anymore, music has always been like medicine for me. I'm listening to music right now. I need to remember to listen to music that lifts my spirits and makes me feel like moving. So I'll uncurl from the sphere and move. I have to make myself. The hardest thing is going to be facing the fears and phobias that have developed over the past 9 months - driving being one of them. Taking walks by myself. Being in social situations. I've been avoiding all of that. I have a new comfort zone. And it's really, really small. And with no set schedule it's easy for me to relapse into what I know, so this is going to take some work.

Another area of frustration for me has been FOOD. Both Hashimoto's and Gastroparesis have special dietary requirements to manage them. Hashimoto's focuses on clean eating, no gluten, no processed foods, eating lots of fresh organic fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and other whole grains - like rice. The AIP eating (autoimmune protocol)  takes this a step further and eliminates ALL grains and dairy. On the other hand, Gastroparesis focuses on eating easy to digest foods. Guess what's the easiest to digest? Processed foods. Mashed potatoes, pudding, macaroni and cheese, pasta, chicken. Canned fruits and vegetables cooked until they're mush. No fresh fruits or vegetables because of the fiber. It's ridiculous trying to find balance. I am good with some dairy - eggs, butter, cheese, milk; these don't bother me. So I compromise - I eat gluten free waffles and cereal; easy to digest foods but also gluten free; but I'm stuck in a rut and eat the same thing every day. I should just juice everything and be done with it.....

The photo above has a quote from a song from a band called The Temper Trap. The song is called Sweet Disposition. It's one of those songs that makes me feel good, but that line in particular sticks in my head. I won't stop 'til it's over - I won't stop to surrender...