Ten Months In

Ten months ago yesterday was the last time I skated. At that time, I did not even think I'd still be struggling 10 months later. I'm not going to lie, I am having a really hard time staying hopeful. In fact, I'm not feeling positive at all. I keep getting TOLD to stay positive and keep the faith, but I'm not feeling it. I'm pissed. And I'm tired. I'm resentful. My body hurts. And I feel like I can't breathe. And I'm so fucking depressed that I often wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning - and when I do, I always feel a tinge of disappointment. I'm angry. I'm bitter. And I'm lost. I know no one likes to hear these things, but there you go. That's me.

I'm at almost 5 weeks on the hormone pellets. I had lab work done at the 3 week mark; and the doctor wanted to boost me with 50 mg of testosterone but wouldn't give me anymore estradoil. I tried to tell him that I think some of my lingering symptoms are from that - but no. He increased the progesterone troche to 2x a day and told me to get my thyroid optimal. I stuck a patch on to see if that would help (Vivelle dot, they are estradoil only). So far, I haven't noticed much of a difference. I decided to skip the boost of testosterone, I was having some other symptoms that I didn't want to worsen. It's such a sensitive game, this balancing act. My thyroid still isn't optimal, I'm having labs for that in two weeks - I will also get my other hormones checked at that time to see where they're at. I also did a 24 hour saliva cortisol test to check for adrenal fatigue but haven't gotten the results back yet. I mean, why not? Hashimoto's, surgical menopause, gastroparesis - why not throw another syndrome or disorder or whatever onto the pile?

Sorry, I really am trying... Anyway... I have been reading a lot - I have a lot of time on my hands - and I've read some interesting articles about adrenal fatigue, thyroid disorders, and the role of strenuous exercise in worsening or causing them. I believe that my system was already in decline, but the running is what pushed it over. I also believe that quitting my job stressed me out more than I fully realized. I thought I was doing something good for my body with the exercise and for myself by quitting a job I didn't like - but it looks like I was wrong. If I would have listened to the signs though, I would have figured it out sooner, but I just didn't know. Oh well, I can't go back and change anything, but I'm pretty sure I now understand the how and what as far as everything that broke inside of me. I also understand that this means I will not be able to exercise at that level ever again, and I've accepted that. Healing adrenal fatigue takes time; and once it's done you have to treat your body gently so it doesn't happen again. I do hope I can skate again, but I know I won't be competing. At this point though, I just want to get back to being able to do basic stuff. Like driving. I miss my independence.

So that's where I am, at ten months in. I'm trying to heal physically but apparently emotionally as well. I have so much anger, so many negative emotions; they do me no good. I honestly do not know what to do next. So I'm just waiting. One thing at a time - one day at a time.

Here's an article about adrenal fatigue and over training if anyone is curious. I might not have been exercising as intensely as some other people, but our bodies are all different. I honestly didn't think I was pushing that hard. But then again, I had a lot of signs that I was. The dizzy spells at the gym, my heart rate during and after exercise, and how I started having a really hard time recovering after a work-out. Please pay attention to your body and don't make the same mistakes I did!