Welcome Back to the Real World

One year ago, I wrote this poem:

I'm broken.
A fading sunset casts shadows
but I don't see them;
I too, am fading.
I hurt and I hide
afraid to try,
I'm tired.
My mind is too loud
running too fast
and I'm just tired.
I wasn't prepared for this -
I'm weak. I can't breathe.
A receding tide casts seashells
but I don't collect them;
I too, am receding.
Back into the past where it's safe
back to the place where I was happiest.
This new world is unbearable.
it's become so small: I feel so small.
I hate it, this new world,
this existence that passes for life.
I'm broken.
The passing years cast shadows
but I don't feel them,
Time keeps passing,
and every day feels the same for me;
I just want it to be over....
11/14/13

Today I went on a job interview. Tomorrow I have another one. I've been a very busy girl, climbing out of that dark chapter and into the light of the next one - back into the real world. I've been driving all over the place. Spending time with friends, getting out and having fun. Living again. And I'm not looking back. I am only looking forward. The hurt and the fear and the despair that was my Unexpected Detour has come to pass. I feel strong again. Healthy, happy. I feel optimistic that the worst of it has been conquered and I can handle any residual issues. I made it; I survived.

I want to share that I don't feel that this experience has been entirely negative. Parts of it were horrible, I'm already starting to forget how that felt though. But through this, I found a way to fill a void in my soul; to bridge a gap between my body and my spirit. I found peace, and contentment, and a connection within myself. I guess you could say I found my spirituality. I don't think I could have done that without having been forced to slow down. I have found passion, quiet reflection, and excitement through photography. It has turned out to be the best therapy I ever could have hoped for.

I have a mug that says 'teach me to listen to the song of the earth'. That has been my mantra for months now - teach me to listen. I've learned. I listen. And I'm ready. I feel complete. Whole; and healed.

Thank you for following along with this blog, it's time to retire it and get back to the other ones. My doctor cleared me to return to physical activity - running and skating, and lifting weights. It'll be slow building up again but that is okay, it's part of the new chapter. I relish the challenges ahead.

Like lovers and heroes

Birds in the last days of spring;

We're only at home when we're on the wing

on the wing...

- Rush

Conquering Mountains

Anxiety is a thief. It steals your breath. It robs you of your confidence. It picks your freedom from your pocket until you're shackled by your fears. Panic attacks are a violent assault, a relentless intruder who comes on like a tidal wave and leaves you shivering in the dark of your own soul; completely violated and spent. I have spent time with these two - but they did not steal the one thing that is mine and mine alone - and that is my indomitable spirit. I am a warrior. I may cower, I may give in; but deep down inside, I stay fierce. This is my pride and my saving grace. I. Stay. Fierce.

I've been conquering my fears these past few weeks; taking leaps and bounds towards regaining the things that have been stolen from me. I've been driving a lot, mostly by myself. I've been doing social events. Spending time in places that used to terrify me. But the one thing I had yet to face was The Loop. It's about a mile long walk around my neighborhood. It's a lovely walk. You come around a corner and there's a breath-taking view of the mountains; but every time I have tried to do it over these past few months; I've had horrible panic attacks. Assaulted and robbed of my freedom. The Loop has loomed. I've done plenty of walks, I've walked around lakes and parks and short walks in my neighborhood; but I've been avoiding The Loop. Today I decided it was time to conquer this fear.

It's cold today, overcast, the sky randomly spitting icy drops of rain. It's windy. It's perfect. I put on my favorite running sweatshirt and my iPod; laced up my sneakers and I set out. I paid attention to the sky, to the wind; the leaves dancing and twirling from tree tops to scatter across the pavement. I felt the rain, I smelled the musky scent of autumn. And I walked. I walked the entire loop. I never felt either one of my old companions; I only felt joy. When I got home, I cried.

In life, you will have things happen to you that don't make sense, that you cannot understand. You will have things taken from you. You will be battered and bruised and sometimes broken; but in the end you still have a choice. Do you lie down and accept that this is it,this is just the way it is? Or do you find a safe harbor, shelter the bones of your strength somewhere deep inside - seeds to be planted when the sun returns? I chose to rise up again. I cannot be any other way. Life without passion is pointless, and passion is impossible when you're a prisoner. I conquered a one mile loop around my neighborhood, and now I feel like I can conquer mountains.

Oh So Close...

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it. I can feel it. I am so very close to it.

I am driving. By myself. I'm doing more, getting out more; but best of all - I feel alive. I feel anticipation. I feel desire. I am stronger than this thing - these things - that have tried to beat me. I had moments where I wanted to give up but I never did. I gave in, yes. Sometimes that's just easier. But I never gave up.

I'm not quite sure yet what my quality of life is going to be or if I'll be able to get back to my athletic endeavors, but that's okay. I have photography, and as long as I have something to channel that passion into; then I am happy. My heart feels full.

I have a doctor's appointment today for my third pellet insertion; I'll be getting estradoil and testosterone - it's been almost 6 months since I last got testosterone so I'm hoping that will help with my energy level. My weight is a little low, but I feel good so I'm not going to worry about that right now. I am going to ask my dr if she has any idea what my expectations should be as far as fitness. I know I still have a long way to go; I get tired just walking around the mall! But you have to start somewhere and I've been at the beginning lots of times.

My hope is to start looking for a job soon. Then start getting back to doing the things I love; so I can close out this blog and go back to my other ones... xo

Coming Back to Life...

Like a drowning woman who suddenly breaks through the surface of the water to gasp for a life saving breath: I feel like I'm waking up and coming out of one of the worst years of my life. I have found inspiration in music, and poetry, and photography. I feel connected once more, to the world and the life force within it - and within myself. I no longer feel like letting go. I no longer feel resigned or full of despair; I feel optimistic and hopeful again. I'm so glad I talked myself down whenever I found myself on that ledge, feeling like the best years of my life had been lived and all that remained in front of me was a blank, empty void. The loss of wonder, and passion, and the zest for life is like the death of the soul. I refused to believe that was it and that there was no more magic for me. My light was dim; but definitely not burned out.

I'm 7 weeks into my new hormone replacement and I think that's really, really helped. I have an appointment on Monday, I'll probably get some more testosterone and possibly a little bit more estradoil. I feel great overall, but I am still extremely fatigued, and I feel shaky, like my whole body is vibrating. It's uncomfortable. I also have some joint and muscle aches, and I can't sleep without medication; but when I do sleep I sleep better. But mentally, I pretty much feel like me again. I am still having anxiety, but no panic attacks. Part of that is needing to rewire my brain with exposure therapy, and I'm working on that. Getting out more, driving; getting back to being a part of the world. My HOPE is that I'll be ready to get back to work by October or November. (Fingers Crossed.) 

In the meantime, I work on exposing myself to things that cause me anxiety. Driving, social situations. I am completely in love with photography; I don't care if my photos are crappy or amazing - I just enjoy being out and feeling a sense of wonder and awe whenever I see something new. It's refreshing. I'm grateful to my muse for inspiring me, I'm extremely grateful to the people who really dug in and helped me when I felt lost and alone. So many things I'm grateful for, I feel it every day. Very positive vibes all up in here!

"Beneath all these frozen fields

There is all the time to heal
So let all your memories go
Spread your wings and watch the flowers growing"

- Nick Heyward

Am I There Yet??

Somewhere along the tracks, I hit a turning point. I am not sure when it was, because I have had so many set backs that I've let go of any expectations of recovery. But I've been feeling really good for the past two weeks, I've been out driving without medication, and generally feeling more like me again. I still feel like I'm constantly shaking and I have bad fatigue and some other symptoms; but haven't had a panic attack since last month. I've had anxiety, but no full blown panic attacks. That gives me confidence to start exposing myself to the world so I can teach my brain that I'm okay, that there's no need for fight or flight when I go anywhere. That's the hard part, letting go of the FEAR of having a panic attack. But I'm getting there!

The main thing is that I feel good again, mentally. I feel happy, optimistic, and hopeful. I hung on, I made it through the worst of it. I am really thinking that I'm off the roller coaster and on my way to my new quality of life, and not just cresting another hill. I actually want to go do things now; it's been a long time since I've had any desire to leave my house...

This hasn't been the best summer I've ever had; but it also wasn't the worst, either. It was a quiet, introspective, and healing summer. I bought a journal in Minnesota when I did my first Northshore inline marathon back in 2011, and on the cover it says 'teach me to listen to the song of the earth'. The next year when I went back, I bought the matching mug. As I sit outside in my yard - I listen. And I've learned. I can hear the song of the earth. My heart has let go of my bitterness and I've accepted that there will be things I won't be able to do again. I'm at peace with that. I think I've come through this a better person. Everything happens for a reason, I think all hardships come with valuable life lessons. I didn't give up. I feel different, more content and more connected. So this wasn't entirely a bad thing...

I get labs drawn next Thursday to see where my levels are and I will probably get a booster of testosterone the following week. Hopefully that will help with my energy level. Overall though, I feel pretty good. I'll be halfway through the life of this pellet so it should be peaking soon. I am scared that I'll crash again, but for now I'm just enjoying feeling semi normal. Ish. (I'll take whatever I can get!)

My Yard is my Haven

Thank you to everyone who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. I appreciate the love and support. I know how hard it is to love broken people, so I'm very grateful to you. 

Finding Reasons

I know a lot of people have been writing about Robin Williams, so I just wanted to collect my thoughts before I wrote them down. As someone who has struggled with depression since I was 13, I definitely have a lot of thoughts and feelings about depression and suicide. I've been suicidal depressed several times, I attempted suicide at 13 by taking a bunch of pills. I got scared and made myself throw up, but not before doing some permanent damage. I sat with a gun to my head during the summer of 1993 after experiencing my first full blown bipolar manic episode. I was hysterical, paranoid and delusional, and should have been hospitalized. But, it would be another 7 years before being diagnosed with bipolar. I remember sitting there, staring blankly at the wall with tears pouring down my face; and I heard my birds. My sweet, wonderful birds. That broke through the madness, rational thought returned, and I realized what I was doing. I made myself go to a shrink and was put on antidepressants. After my mom died in 1998, I used to get drunk and drive, then sit outside of my house crying because I made it home alive. I've been through some dark shit, I know how that type of a mind works.

After my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and subsequent bombardment of drugs to put that dragon in chains; I had another psychotic episode and fantasized about cutting myself. I didn't actually want to do it, but.. A part of me really NEEDED to do it. I didn't though. I was so depersonalized, so numb from the drugs; I needed to feel something, ANYTHING. I had graphic fantasies of smashing my hands through windows and cutting myself with knives. Horrifying, right? Somehow, I got through it though. I got off of the bipolar medications and was actually doing pretty well for a long time. I had depressive episodes but nothing like the darkness of my past. I learned to embrace life and made it my motto to live big, get outside and be a part of the world. I felt happiness, and peace. I was participating, I learned to co-exist with the dragon, even embracing elements of it that made me feel unique. I rode the ups and downs and I learned to accept who I was and how to live with it. 

Then my health went to shit a year ago and I ended up in that dark place again. Every time I had a panic attack, with wave after wave rolling over my body like a relentless tide, unable to breathe and feeling completely hopeless; I would sob and wish for it to be over. I didn't want to be here anymore. Every morning when I woke up, I felt a crushing disappointment that I was awake. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. Because existing is not living. Being agoraphobic, unable to even walk down the street to the mailbox or get into a car without hyperventilating until I almost pass out: that is NOT fucking living. I wanted to give up so bad. I thought about it every day. I even thought about how I would do it. I was in a really bad place.

I'm pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

And oh, darkness I feel like letting go

- Sarah McLachlan

But the difference between me and someone who gives in to the despair is that I know how to find reasons to keep living. I don't listen to the voice that tells me I'm worthless, that I'm a burden, that the world would be better off without me. I know that's not true. I watched my family self destruct after my brother and mom died; I know how devastating it is to lose someone you love. I know people love me. I don't want to be the reason for that level of pain. I don't stand in judgment of those who felt that they couldn't hold on any longer though; I understand them. When you feel like you're drowning, you just want it to be over. I don't think it's a matter of being strong or being weak - it's just a matter of being able to see through the weight of that darkness and know that there is still light out there. Some people just can't see anymore. I feel sad for them and their families, but I understand that pain because I have felt it. 

I needed to find ways to break through the darkness. One of the first things I did was start listening to music again. I allowed myself to become lost in the past, because the present was so raw and uncomfortable. I allowed myself to visit places that were warm and comforting. Then I picked up my camera, and I found a world of amazing peace and contentment right in my back yard. I started taking Prozac. I think I'm on the right track with the rest of my hormones. I just had to keep holding on long enough find my footing again. I feel like I'm getting there. 

Robin Williams wasn't a coward. He didn't take the easy way out. Death is a big scary unknown. But then again, so is life. I guess it's just a matter of deciding which one is worth the risk. For me, I want to see how this all plays out on its own. But that's my choice. He made his and I understand.

I'm strong; but I'm also weak. I'm sure this won't be the last time I'll be standing on a ledge trying to decide if I should jump. I just hope I will still be open enough to keep finding reasons to stick around. It's a sad, sorry, fucked up world. But it can also be an amazing and beautiful place if you find a way to see it.

This song helped me through my teen years, and it still resounds with me. Find Reasons.

So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender

And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and to never surrender

- Corey Hart

Finding My Own Way

July 23rd marked one year since the last time I skated. The last time I did anything remotely strenuous. After that day, my life dissolved into a confusing mess of panic attacks and feeling completely shattered. Desperation and despair were the primary emotions I felt, hopelessness and bitterness soon followed. After surgery, and trying one type of hormone replacement after another without success; I didn't exactly give up - but I did give in. I decided to live my life one day at a time with zero expectations. If I had a good day where I actually had some energy and got some things done without having panic attacks or heart palpitations, I chalked it up to being a good day and not a turning point. Right now there are no turning points in my life, there are good days and bad days. I've accepted this.

My experience with the last pellet doctor was a disaster, my estradoil crashed and all of my worst symptoms came back. Suddenly I was having panic attacks in the car again - despite taking Xanax prior to leaving the house. What a major set back. I went back to gyn #2 (Dr R) and had a nice long talk with her. I had my husband in there with me. She agreed with me that I am one of those women who needs my estrogen levels higher, that a 'normal' level of 60 -70 isn't going to work for me. She drew a ton of blood and scheduled me to come back and see her in two weeks. In the meantime, I'm taking 5 mg of estradoil per day (that's pretty high) and every evening I feel it wear off and experience a very uncomfortable crash. I quit taking progesterone and increased my Prozac to 20 mg/day, that seemed to help lighten the depression and the day time sleepiness.

Blood results came back with my estradoil at 78, even with taking such a large dose. I can't seem to hold onto this hormone! My free T3, thyroid antibodies, and reverse T3 were high; so Dr R dropped my Armour down to 105 and gave me a 25 mg pellet of estradoil; no testosterone. (My total testosterone was over 200 - she wants it below that; even though I'm not having any symptoms of high testosterone.) She had the pellet inserted in minutes with no discomfort or excessive bleeding. A much better experience than the first doctor. She scheduled me for labs in 6 weeks and told me to quit the oral estradoil in 5 days. I decided to taper off of it over the course of 2 weeks because of the crash I feel every evening. I've already experienced that feeling on a larger scale and it is very uncomfortable. Right now I'm on 2 mg/ day today and tomorrow; then I'm off of it. I am scared, I hope the pellet kicks in enough to keep me from regressing again. Going backwards is an epic disappointment, it undermines any tiny trickle of confidence that I build up during a good day.

In the meantime, I've become very introspective. I spend a lot of time in the back yard with my bare feet on the grass; taking pictures of birds and listening to the sounds of summertime. Wind in the trees, birds singing, lawn mowers. I believe that things happen for a reason, that we're supposed to take life lessons from times of diversity. Those lessons aren't always easy to see, and sometimes they're missed altogether. I think for me I needed to slow down a little bit and let go of some things. It's an intensely personal journey, but I am paying attention. I do not know what the future holds, but I take it one day at a time.

My depression has decreased a lot. This is a very good thing! I was in a very dark and very scary place. I have tried to become the type of person who embraces life, who is always optimistic; who sees the good in every situation. That outlook has been sorely tested. But I never completely lost it. I just had to redirect some of it. I hate being agoraphobic but know that it's temporary. When my estrogen levels are higher, I feel more inclined to leave the house. I walked to the mailbox yesterday with the dog and didn't have even a twinge of anxiety. The last time I did that I had a panic attack so bad I almost went to a neighbor to ask him to walk me home. That is literally a 3 minute walk. It made me angry that I felt so out of control. I just put my eyes down and watched one foot go in front of the other until I was back home; then I cried because it's so frustrating to feel that way. Any day I can get through without that anxiety is a win; even if I'm so fatigued I can barely move.

So that's where I'm at. I get blood drawn again 4 weeks from tomorrow. I see my Dr 10 days after that; she'll probably boost me with testosterone; possibly boost me with estradoil. I just have to hope that this pellet is enough to keep me where I'm at, if not better. I don't want to go backwards again. But life, I am paying attention.

Some of my photos - my therapy.

Thanks to everyone who is hanging with me. This has been one hell of a ride.