Welcome Back to the Real World

One year ago, I wrote this poem:

I'm broken.
A fading sunset casts shadows
but I don't see them;
I too, am fading.
I hurt and I hide
afraid to try,
I'm tired.
My mind is too loud
running too fast
and I'm just tired.
I wasn't prepared for this -
I'm weak. I can't breathe.
A receding tide casts seashells
but I don't collect them;
I too, am receding.
Back into the past where it's safe
back to the place where I was happiest.
This new world is unbearable.
it's become so small: I feel so small.
I hate it, this new world,
this existence that passes for life.
I'm broken.
The passing years cast shadows
but I don't feel them,
Time keeps passing,
and every day feels the same for me;
I just want it to be over....
11/14/13

Today I went on a job interview. Tomorrow I have another one. I've been a very busy girl, climbing out of that dark chapter and into the light of the next one - back into the real world. I've been driving all over the place. Spending time with friends, getting out and having fun. Living again. And I'm not looking back. I am only looking forward. The hurt and the fear and the despair that was my Unexpected Detour has come to pass. I feel strong again. Healthy, happy. I feel optimistic that the worst of it has been conquered and I can handle any residual issues. I made it; I survived.

I want to share that I don't feel that this experience has been entirely negative. Parts of it were horrible, I'm already starting to forget how that felt though. But through this, I found a way to fill a void in my soul; to bridge a gap between my body and my spirit. I found peace, and contentment, and a connection within myself. I guess you could say I found my spirituality. I don't think I could have done that without having been forced to slow down. I have found passion, quiet reflection, and excitement through photography. It has turned out to be the best therapy I ever could have hoped for.

I have a mug that says 'teach me to listen to the song of the earth'. That has been my mantra for months now - teach me to listen. I've learned. I listen. And I'm ready. I feel complete. Whole; and healed.

Thank you for following along with this blog, it's time to retire it and get back to the other ones. My doctor cleared me to return to physical activity - running and skating, and lifting weights. It'll be slow building up again but that is okay, it's part of the new chapter. I relish the challenges ahead.

Like lovers and heroes

Birds in the last days of spring;

We're only at home when we're on the wing

on the wing...

- Rush

Conquering Mountains

Anxiety is a thief. It steals your breath. It robs you of your confidence. It picks your freedom from your pocket until you're shackled by your fears. Panic attacks are a violent assault, a relentless intruder who comes on like a tidal wave and leaves you shivering in the dark of your own soul; completely violated and spent. I have spent time with these two - but they did not steal the one thing that is mine and mine alone - and that is my indomitable spirit. I am a warrior. I may cower, I may give in; but deep down inside, I stay fierce. This is my pride and my saving grace. I. Stay. Fierce.

I've been conquering my fears these past few weeks; taking leaps and bounds towards regaining the things that have been stolen from me. I've been driving a lot, mostly by myself. I've been doing social events. Spending time in places that used to terrify me. But the one thing I had yet to face was The Loop. It's about a mile long walk around my neighborhood. It's a lovely walk. You come around a corner and there's a breath-taking view of the mountains; but every time I have tried to do it over these past few months; I've had horrible panic attacks. Assaulted and robbed of my freedom. The Loop has loomed. I've done plenty of walks, I've walked around lakes and parks and short walks in my neighborhood; but I've been avoiding The Loop. Today I decided it was time to conquer this fear.

It's cold today, overcast, the sky randomly spitting icy drops of rain. It's windy. It's perfect. I put on my favorite running sweatshirt and my iPod; laced up my sneakers and I set out. I paid attention to the sky, to the wind; the leaves dancing and twirling from tree tops to scatter across the pavement. I felt the rain, I smelled the musky scent of autumn. And I walked. I walked the entire loop. I never felt either one of my old companions; I only felt joy. When I got home, I cried.

In life, you will have things happen to you that don't make sense, that you cannot understand. You will have things taken from you. You will be battered and bruised and sometimes broken; but in the end you still have a choice. Do you lie down and accept that this is it,this is just the way it is? Or do you find a safe harbor, shelter the bones of your strength somewhere deep inside - seeds to be planted when the sun returns? I chose to rise up again. I cannot be any other way. Life without passion is pointless, and passion is impossible when you're a prisoner. I conquered a one mile loop around my neighborhood, and now I feel like I can conquer mountains.

Oh So Close...

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it. I can feel it. I am so very close to it.

I am driving. By myself. I'm doing more, getting out more; but best of all - I feel alive. I feel anticipation. I feel desire. I am stronger than this thing - these things - that have tried to beat me. I had moments where I wanted to give up but I never did. I gave in, yes. Sometimes that's just easier. But I never gave up.

I'm not quite sure yet what my quality of life is going to be or if I'll be able to get back to my athletic endeavors, but that's okay. I have photography, and as long as I have something to channel that passion into; then I am happy. My heart feels full.

I have a doctor's appointment today for my third pellet insertion; I'll be getting estradoil and testosterone - it's been almost 6 months since I last got testosterone so I'm hoping that will help with my energy level. My weight is a little low, but I feel good so I'm not going to worry about that right now. I am going to ask my dr if she has any idea what my expectations should be as far as fitness. I know I still have a long way to go; I get tired just walking around the mall! But you have to start somewhere and I've been at the beginning lots of times.

My hope is to start looking for a job soon. Then start getting back to doing the things I love; so I can close out this blog and go back to my other ones... xo

Coming Back to Life...

Like a drowning woman who suddenly breaks through the surface of the water to gasp for a life saving breath: I feel like I'm waking up and coming out of one of the worst years of my life. I have found inspiration in music, and poetry, and photography. I feel connected once more, to the world and the life force within it - and within myself. I no longer feel like letting go. I no longer feel resigned or full of despair; I feel optimistic and hopeful again. I'm so glad I talked myself down whenever I found myself on that ledge, feeling like the best years of my life had been lived and all that remained in front of me was a blank, empty void. The loss of wonder, and passion, and the zest for life is like the death of the soul. I refused to believe that was it and that there was no more magic for me. My light was dim; but definitely not burned out.

I'm 7 weeks into my new hormone replacement and I think that's really, really helped. I have an appointment on Monday, I'll probably get some more testosterone and possibly a little bit more estradoil. I feel great overall, but I am still extremely fatigued, and I feel shaky, like my whole body is vibrating. It's uncomfortable. I also have some joint and muscle aches, and I can't sleep without medication; but when I do sleep I sleep better. But mentally, I pretty much feel like me again. I am still having anxiety, but no panic attacks. Part of that is needing to rewire my brain with exposure therapy, and I'm working on that. Getting out more, driving; getting back to being a part of the world. My HOPE is that I'll be ready to get back to work by October or November. (Fingers Crossed.) 

In the meantime, I work on exposing myself to things that cause me anxiety. Driving, social situations. I am completely in love with photography; I don't care if my photos are crappy or amazing - I just enjoy being out and feeling a sense of wonder and awe whenever I see something new. It's refreshing. I'm grateful to my muse for inspiring me, I'm extremely grateful to the people who really dug in and helped me when I felt lost and alone. So many things I'm grateful for, I feel it every day. Very positive vibes all up in here!

"Beneath all these frozen fields

There is all the time to heal
So let all your memories go
Spread your wings and watch the flowers growing"

- Nick Heyward

Am I There Yet??

Somewhere along the tracks, I hit a turning point. I am not sure when it was, because I have had so many set backs that I've let go of any expectations of recovery. But I've been feeling really good for the past two weeks, I've been out driving without medication, and generally feeling more like me again. I still feel like I'm constantly shaking and I have bad fatigue and some other symptoms; but haven't had a panic attack since last month. I've had anxiety, but no full blown panic attacks. That gives me confidence to start exposing myself to the world so I can teach my brain that I'm okay, that there's no need for fight or flight when I go anywhere. That's the hard part, letting go of the FEAR of having a panic attack. But I'm getting there!

The main thing is that I feel good again, mentally. I feel happy, optimistic, and hopeful. I hung on, I made it through the worst of it. I am really thinking that I'm off the roller coaster and on my way to my new quality of life, and not just cresting another hill. I actually want to go do things now; it's been a long time since I've had any desire to leave my house...

This hasn't been the best summer I've ever had; but it also wasn't the worst, either. It was a quiet, introspective, and healing summer. I bought a journal in Minnesota when I did my first Northshore inline marathon back in 2011, and on the cover it says 'teach me to listen to the song of the earth'. The next year when I went back, I bought the matching mug. As I sit outside in my yard - I listen. And I've learned. I can hear the song of the earth. My heart has let go of my bitterness and I've accepted that there will be things I won't be able to do again. I'm at peace with that. I think I've come through this a better person. Everything happens for a reason, I think all hardships come with valuable life lessons. I didn't give up. I feel different, more content and more connected. So this wasn't entirely a bad thing...

I get labs drawn next Thursday to see where my levels are and I will probably get a booster of testosterone the following week. Hopefully that will help with my energy level. Overall though, I feel pretty good. I'll be halfway through the life of this pellet so it should be peaking soon. I am scared that I'll crash again, but for now I'm just enjoying feeling semi normal. Ish. (I'll take whatever I can get!)

My Yard is my Haven

Thank you to everyone who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. I appreciate the love and support. I know how hard it is to love broken people, so I'm very grateful to you. 

Finding Reasons

I know a lot of people have been writing about Robin Williams, so I just wanted to collect my thoughts before I wrote them down. As someone who has struggled with depression since I was 13, I definitely have a lot of thoughts and feelings about depression and suicide. I've been suicidal depressed several times, I attempted suicide at 13 by taking a bunch of pills. I got scared and made myself throw up, but not before doing some permanent damage. I sat with a gun to my head during the summer of 1993 after experiencing my first full blown bipolar manic episode. I was hysterical, paranoid and delusional, and should have been hospitalized. But, it would be another 7 years before being diagnosed with bipolar. I remember sitting there, staring blankly at the wall with tears pouring down my face; and I heard my birds. My sweet, wonderful birds. That broke through the madness, rational thought returned, and I realized what I was doing. I made myself go to a shrink and was put on antidepressants. After my mom died in 1998, I used to get drunk and drive, then sit outside of my house crying because I made it home alive. I've been through some dark shit, I know how that type of a mind works.

After my diagnosis of bipolar disorder and subsequent bombardment of drugs to put that dragon in chains; I had another psychotic episode and fantasized about cutting myself. I didn't actually want to do it, but.. A part of me really NEEDED to do it. I didn't though. I was so depersonalized, so numb from the drugs; I needed to feel something, ANYTHING. I had graphic fantasies of smashing my hands through windows and cutting myself with knives. Horrifying, right? Somehow, I got through it though. I got off of the bipolar medications and was actually doing pretty well for a long time. I had depressive episodes but nothing like the darkness of my past. I learned to embrace life and made it my motto to live big, get outside and be a part of the world. I felt happiness, and peace. I was participating, I learned to co-exist with the dragon, even embracing elements of it that made me feel unique. I rode the ups and downs and I learned to accept who I was and how to live with it. 

Then my health went to shit a year ago and I ended up in that dark place again. Every time I had a panic attack, with wave after wave rolling over my body like a relentless tide, unable to breathe and feeling completely hopeless; I would sob and wish for it to be over. I didn't want to be here anymore. Every morning when I woke up, I felt a crushing disappointment that I was awake. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. Because existing is not living. Being agoraphobic, unable to even walk down the street to the mailbox or get into a car without hyperventilating until I almost pass out: that is NOT fucking living. I wanted to give up so bad. I thought about it every day. I even thought about how I would do it. I was in a really bad place.

I'm pulled down by the undertow

I never thought I could feel so low

And oh, darkness I feel like letting go

- Sarah McLachlan

But the difference between me and someone who gives in to the despair is that I know how to find reasons to keep living. I don't listen to the voice that tells me I'm worthless, that I'm a burden, that the world would be better off without me. I know that's not true. I watched my family self destruct after my brother and mom died; I know how devastating it is to lose someone you love. I know people love me. I don't want to be the reason for that level of pain. I don't stand in judgment of those who felt that they couldn't hold on any longer though; I understand them. When you feel like you're drowning, you just want it to be over. I don't think it's a matter of being strong or being weak - it's just a matter of being able to see through the weight of that darkness and know that there is still light out there. Some people just can't see anymore. I feel sad for them and their families, but I understand that pain because I have felt it. 

I needed to find ways to break through the darkness. One of the first things I did was start listening to music again. I allowed myself to become lost in the past, because the present was so raw and uncomfortable. I allowed myself to visit places that were warm and comforting. Then I picked up my camera, and I found a world of amazing peace and contentment right in my back yard. I started taking Prozac. I think I'm on the right track with the rest of my hormones. I just had to keep holding on long enough find my footing again. I feel like I'm getting there. 

Robin Williams wasn't a coward. He didn't take the easy way out. Death is a big scary unknown. But then again, so is life. I guess it's just a matter of deciding which one is worth the risk. For me, I want to see how this all plays out on its own. But that's my choice. He made his and I understand.

I'm strong; but I'm also weak. I'm sure this won't be the last time I'll be standing on a ledge trying to decide if I should jump. I just hope I will still be open enough to keep finding reasons to stick around. It's a sad, sorry, fucked up world. But it can also be an amazing and beautiful place if you find a way to see it.

This song helped me through my teen years, and it still resounds with me. Find Reasons.

So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender

And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and to never surrender

- Corey Hart

Finding My Own Way

July 23rd marked one year since the last time I skated. The last time I did anything remotely strenuous. After that day, my life dissolved into a confusing mess of panic attacks and feeling completely shattered. Desperation and despair were the primary emotions I felt, hopelessness and bitterness soon followed. After surgery, and trying one type of hormone replacement after another without success; I didn't exactly give up - but I did give in. I decided to live my life one day at a time with zero expectations. If I had a good day where I actually had some energy and got some things done without having panic attacks or heart palpitations, I chalked it up to being a good day and not a turning point. Right now there are no turning points in my life, there are good days and bad days. I've accepted this.

My experience with the last pellet doctor was a disaster, my estradoil crashed and all of my worst symptoms came back. Suddenly I was having panic attacks in the car again - despite taking Xanax prior to leaving the house. What a major set back. I went back to gyn #2 (Dr R) and had a nice long talk with her. I had my husband in there with me. She agreed with me that I am one of those women who needs my estrogen levels higher, that a 'normal' level of 60 -70 isn't going to work for me. She drew a ton of blood and scheduled me to come back and see her in two weeks. In the meantime, I'm taking 5 mg of estradoil per day (that's pretty high) and every evening I feel it wear off and experience a very uncomfortable crash. I quit taking progesterone and increased my Prozac to 20 mg/day, that seemed to help lighten the depression and the day time sleepiness.

Blood results came back with my estradoil at 78, even with taking such a large dose. I can't seem to hold onto this hormone! My free T3, thyroid antibodies, and reverse T3 were high; so Dr R dropped my Armour down to 105 and gave me a 25 mg pellet of estradoil; no testosterone. (My total testosterone was over 200 - she wants it below that; even though I'm not having any symptoms of high testosterone.) She had the pellet inserted in minutes with no discomfort or excessive bleeding. A much better experience than the first doctor. She scheduled me for labs in 6 weeks and told me to quit the oral estradoil in 5 days. I decided to taper off of it over the course of 2 weeks because of the crash I feel every evening. I've already experienced that feeling on a larger scale and it is very uncomfortable. Right now I'm on 2 mg/ day today and tomorrow; then I'm off of it. I am scared, I hope the pellet kicks in enough to keep me from regressing again. Going backwards is an epic disappointment, it undermines any tiny trickle of confidence that I build up during a good day.

In the meantime, I've become very introspective. I spend a lot of time in the back yard with my bare feet on the grass; taking pictures of birds and listening to the sounds of summertime. Wind in the trees, birds singing, lawn mowers. I believe that things happen for a reason, that we're supposed to take life lessons from times of diversity. Those lessons aren't always easy to see, and sometimes they're missed altogether. I think for me I needed to slow down a little bit and let go of some things. It's an intensely personal journey, but I am paying attention. I do not know what the future holds, but I take it one day at a time.

My depression has decreased a lot. This is a very good thing! I was in a very dark and very scary place. I have tried to become the type of person who embraces life, who is always optimistic; who sees the good in every situation. That outlook has been sorely tested. But I never completely lost it. I just had to redirect some of it. I hate being agoraphobic but know that it's temporary. When my estrogen levels are higher, I feel more inclined to leave the house. I walked to the mailbox yesterday with the dog and didn't have even a twinge of anxiety. The last time I did that I had a panic attack so bad I almost went to a neighbor to ask him to walk me home. That is literally a 3 minute walk. It made me angry that I felt so out of control. I just put my eyes down and watched one foot go in front of the other until I was back home; then I cried because it's so frustrating to feel that way. Any day I can get through without that anxiety is a win; even if I'm so fatigued I can barely move.

So that's where I'm at. I get blood drawn again 4 weeks from tomorrow. I see my Dr 10 days after that; she'll probably boost me with testosterone; possibly boost me with estradoil. I just have to hope that this pellet is enough to keep me where I'm at, if not better. I don't want to go backwards again. But life, I am paying attention.

Some of my photos - my therapy.

Thanks to everyone who is hanging with me. This has been one hell of a ride.

Welcome to the Jungle

When I first got my hysterectomy, I found a website that helped me a lot - it's called hystersisters.com. They always referred to the land of menopause as 'the hormone jungle' and I never understood why. I had two doctors tell me that getting my hormones balanced after surgical menopause would be a 'piece of cake', and that there are so many options out there that I would be balanced and back to living life in no time.

These are lies. It is a jungle. And without a guide or being your own advocate - you can get completely lost out there. I'm pretty lost...

The panic attacks started again on memorial day. I started feeling like I did back before the cream, back when I couldn't even get into a car without having panic issues. I scheduled blood work for June 2nd and had my dad drive me. For the first time in months, I had a panic attack in the car. I was shaking so bad when they drew my blood that a lab tech had to hold my arm still so that the other one could draw blood. They kept asking me if I was okay (FUCK NO) oh yeah, I'm okay, just waiting for the Xanax to kick in; please get the draw on the first try. Of course they didn't. My racing heart made that impossible. Two sticks and finally they drew blood. I requested a full set of thyroid labs, iron, and of course, my sex hormones.

My labs came back showing my estrogen was back down to 61. When I got pellets, it was at 133. In all of my hesitation and fear about getting hormone pellets, I was always worried about being OVER dosed. It never even crossed my mind that I could be under dosed. I was going backwards. Of course I was, I mean - nothing has gone right so far, so why would I expect this to?? 

My primary care physician freaked out at how high my total testosterone was (200, normal range for a woman is like 0 - 40) but he didn't check free testosterone; the one my body is actually using. I am not having symptoms of too much testosterone (oily hair, acne, facial hair, yuckety yuck NOPE.) so I'm not too worried about that. I'm very pissed about the estrogen though. I emailed the hormone pellet doctor a copy of my labs. He called me, said my labs were 'perfect' - I think I yelled "I do not feel perfect!!" and told him I need more estrogen. Reluctantly, he put me on Estradoil pills. He had me start at .5 mg/day - increasing as needed every 4 days until I feel better. I am now up to 2.5 mg a day (which is actually pretty high) and I'm finally starting to feel better. Yesterday was the first day since memorial day that I went an entire day without needing Xanax; and I even managed a walk to the mailboxes and back without a panic attack. It's the damn estrogen. I need more. 

I emailed pellet guy on Monday with an update, but haven't heard back yet. I asked about my thyroid labs - my reverse T3 was on the very top of the range (25) and my free T3 was mid-range. My free T3 to reverse T3 ratio is 14.8, it should be over 20. What this means is that I have T3 pooling and not being used. T4 is converting to T3 but something is causing it to pool and not be used by my body. Adrenal fatigue and low iron can be a couple of culprits; usually they are supposed to either drop your dose of medication and add a T3 only medication (like Cytomel) or they say to get your iron up. My ferritin was actually low, so I am now supplementing with iron. I am leaving my Armour at 120 mg for now, I'm not having any symptoms of it being too high. So hopefully that will help. My 24 hour saliva cortisol test came back with my numbers in range, so adrenals look okay. I honestly feel like I know more about my thyroid issues than my doctors do. That is terrifying.

I have an appointment with gynecologist #2 on Tuesday - yes, the one who was originally going to give me pellets then her nurse ended up talking me out of it. I'm armed with a lot more knowledge now, so we'll see what she has to say. I quit taking the sublingual progesterone because I was feeling so tired and so depressed - since stopping that I actually feel a bit better. So maybe I don't need it after all. I'm about due for my next round of pellets so I'm thinking I might have this doctor do them as long as I have a say in the dosing. This whole high testosterone/low estrogen protocol they have going on is insane, and it doesn't work for me. Based on what I've been reading; it doesn't work for a lot of women... 

So that's where I'm at, nearly a year out from when things completely broke. I'm not nearly as depressed and the anxiety is getting a bit better. I was starting to have the gastroparesis flaring up again (I know that's low estrogen!!!!) so I've lost some weight again, but not too drastic. I'm hoping that will calm down once I get my numbers up. Again. I have a new hobby that keeps me pretty relaxed and happy - I sit on my back patio and take pictures of the birds, squirrels, flowers, butterflies, etc; in my yard. I spend hours outside. It makes me feel good. I'm grateful that I found something to give me joy again, because I was feeling pretty rock bottom...

One of the baby scrub jays in my yard. There are 3 of them. The whole family of scrub jays keeps me thoroughly entertained.

Anyway... That's where I'm at. Trying to work my way through the jungle. 

Losing a Whole Year

I don't want to write this blog. I have this weird desire to be painfully candid and for some reason - I feel like I should be keeping these thoughts to myself. These words, these feelings, these thoughts that I'm about to share. I feel shame for feeling the way I do, even though I shouldn't. That is the warped perception of a depressed person. 

A year ago today was my last day at my job. The original plan was to take a month or two off for a break; then find another job. I was excited about the break, and the opportunity to start somewhere fresh and new. My plan for my break was to do projects around the house, run, skate, and enjoy the time off. Well, we all know how well that worked out for me. About the time I started my job hunt is when my health completely fell apart. So I have been out of work for an entire year. 

I'm at almost 6 weeks on hormone pellets. I added a patch then took it off after about a week because of the side effects that made me want to get off of it in the first place. On Memorial day I had a pretty good day. I felt really good emotionally, even though physically I felt like road kill. I'm not sure what I did, or if I ate something bad or what - but that night I had a bitch of a panic attack. It was one of those ones that just kept rolling over me in waves and I felt like I was drowning. I took Xanax, but the panic broke through it, wave after wave. The sensation was intense, I felt like I was dying, I couldn't breathe. My husband wanted to take me to the ER, but for what? I knew what was happening. My rational brain was all over it. But the primal reaction and haywire chemicals were in full control. I took more Xanax. Eventually it knocked me out, but even as I drifted off to sleep I could still feel the ebb and flow of that frantic ocean, tearing at the fragile threads of my sanity. 

I've been having issues ever since. It starts with a hot ping in the middle of my chest and suddenly my heart is racing and I'm gasping for breath. It's exhausting. I don't understand why it's happening again. I am so tired that I can't even try to puzzle it out. The slightest exertion sets it off - so I'm spending a lot of time trying to be quiet and still. Trying to cower and hide from whatever it is that is broken inside of me.

It's no wonder I'm depressed. I haven't been depressed like this in many, many years. It's the kind where I feel like a burden to the people around me, a lump of flesh that breathes and eats and just sits there - completely useless. I feel like I've been given up on; by my friends, my family, my doctors. I feel like my existence is pointless. Meaningless. Like I have nothing to offer this world. (Warped perceptions of a depressed person, please understand - we see the world differently. We see it as a place we no longer belong.) 

So I'm stuck in a loop. I know exposure therapy (like driving) is important to regain control, but that requires a great deal of focus and energy. I have neither. I don't know how to fix what is broken in me, and I'm losing the battle. Do I need more hormones? Less? Change something else in my stupid diet? Take some other supplement? Get acupuncture? What is the answer?? I've pretty much accepted that I'll never be the same again, but I still hope to regain some semblance of a quality of life- but when? And more importantly, how?

I know a few folks read my blogs, and I appreciate that. No one wants to read stuff like this. I hate writing it, but it is therapeutic for me. Maybe someone who feels the way I do will stumble upon it and not feel so alone. I don't like how some people respond to me though, telling me placating things or downplaying what I feel. It's like walking up to someone with a really bad sunburn and slapping them on the back and telling them to suck it up. I am hanging on. I am finding things in each day to keep me strong. I live moment to moment sometimes, especially when the anxiety is ripping me to shreds; but I'm holding on.

Monday I go in for blood work. Hormone levels, vitamin levels, etc. See if anything is off. I also started back on the Prozac today, and fuck anyone who tries to make me feel like I'm weak for doing that. I started having really bad discontinuation symptoms; I had no idea that Prozac takes about a month to be fully out of your system; and no matter how low your dose was or how short a time you took it - you can still have discontinuation symptoms. This flare up of anxiety hit me right about the one month point of quitting the Prozac. Could be coincidence. Could be I was stupid to just quit taking it and this is what happens. I don't know. I just know I've lost a year already, with no end in sight. 

In August of 1984, I attempted suicide. I took a bunch of pills, I don't even remember what all I took. I laid down to go to sleep and drifted off. I had a weird dream. I felt like a hand yanked me out of sleep and suddenly I panicked. I made myself throw up the pills. I still got really, really sick - I was sick for a good 2 weeks. I've had tinnitus ever since; because some of the pills I took were aspirin. I didn't tell my parents, I probably should have gone to the hospital. But ever since that attempt, I have had several points in my life - like now - where I didn't want to be here anymore. But something made me decide to stick around. I can't let that have been in vain. 

Ten Months In

Ten months ago yesterday was the last time I skated. At that time, I did not even think I'd still be struggling 10 months later. I'm not going to lie, I am having a really hard time staying hopeful. In fact, I'm not feeling positive at all. I keep getting TOLD to stay positive and keep the faith, but I'm not feeling it. I'm pissed. And I'm tired. I'm resentful. My body hurts. And I feel like I can't breathe. And I'm so fucking depressed that I often wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning - and when I do, I always feel a tinge of disappointment. I'm angry. I'm bitter. And I'm lost. I know no one likes to hear these things, but there you go. That's me.

I'm at almost 5 weeks on the hormone pellets. I had lab work done at the 3 week mark; and the doctor wanted to boost me with 50 mg of testosterone but wouldn't give me anymore estradoil. I tried to tell him that I think some of my lingering symptoms are from that - but no. He increased the progesterone troche to 2x a day and told me to get my thyroid optimal. I stuck a patch on to see if that would help (Vivelle dot, they are estradoil only). So far, I haven't noticed much of a difference. I decided to skip the boost of testosterone, I was having some other symptoms that I didn't want to worsen. It's such a sensitive game, this balancing act. My thyroid still isn't optimal, I'm having labs for that in two weeks - I will also get my other hormones checked at that time to see where they're at. I also did a 24 hour saliva cortisol test to check for adrenal fatigue but haven't gotten the results back yet. I mean, why not? Hashimoto's, surgical menopause, gastroparesis - why not throw another syndrome or disorder or whatever onto the pile?

Sorry, I really am trying... Anyway... I have been reading a lot - I have a lot of time on my hands - and I've read some interesting articles about adrenal fatigue, thyroid disorders, and the role of strenuous exercise in worsening or causing them. I believe that my system was already in decline, but the running is what pushed it over. I also believe that quitting my job stressed me out more than I fully realized. I thought I was doing something good for my body with the exercise and for myself by quitting a job I didn't like - but it looks like I was wrong. If I would have listened to the signs though, I would have figured it out sooner, but I just didn't know. Oh well, I can't go back and change anything, but I'm pretty sure I now understand the how and what as far as everything that broke inside of me. I also understand that this means I will not be able to exercise at that level ever again, and I've accepted that. Healing adrenal fatigue takes time; and once it's done you have to treat your body gently so it doesn't happen again. I do hope I can skate again, but I know I won't be competing. At this point though, I just want to get back to being able to do basic stuff. Like driving. I miss my independence.

So that's where I am, at ten months in. I'm trying to heal physically but apparently emotionally as well. I have so much anger, so many negative emotions; they do me no good. I honestly do not know what to do next. So I'm just waiting. One thing at a time - one day at a time.

Here's an article about adrenal fatigue and over training if anyone is curious. I might not have been exercising as intensely as some other people, but our bodies are all different. I honestly didn't think I was pushing that hard. But then again, I had a lot of signs that I was. The dizzy spells at the gym, my heart rate during and after exercise, and how I started having a really hard time recovering after a work-out. Please pay attention to your body and don't make the same mistakes I did!

Oh, Doctors....

Over the course of the past 10 months, I have seen 15 health care providers; (not including ER or urgent care doctors - I have been to the ER 3 times and urgent care twice.) Each one offered unique - and sometimes unpleasant - experiences. Sadly, I'm not alone in doctor hopping; in some cases, if you don't have a cut and dried symptom/diagnosis/treatment experience; you are often left to either accept inadequate or incorrect treatment; or you go on a journey to find someone who can actually help you.

First and foremost in my arsenal is my primary care physician. I'm lucky; he is a very compassionate and caring doctor. He genuinely wants to fix what's broken. He digs, he listens; he wants to help. I saw him several times before he himself had to go out on leave for health reasons, and I know that if he hadn't had to have done that, my experience would have been extremely different. But without his guidance, I was left on my own to try to figure out what was going on with me. But he did help me confirm my suspicion that my hormones were out of balance and my instincts told me that this was the primary cause for all of my symptoms - so he set me on the right track. From there is where it got tricky.

My first gynecologist was actually the one who did my hysterectomy. I really liked her because she, too, seemed extremely concerned and caring when I first started seeing her. When I went back to see her about my current issues; she had changed. She was abrupt and brisk with me. She wasn't interested in my hormone labs or my theories; she didn't think my anxiety was being caused by my hormones. Anyone who is in a situation where you feel broken and vulnerable; bewildered by your body being unwell and your mind being unsound - the last thing you need is a doctor who basically says "it's all in your head". The funny thing is that most women expect this kind of reaction from male doctors - after all, how can they possibly know what it's like to be a woman? My thoughts were that this particular doctor was more interested in the beginning part of the female journey - puberty, birth control years, having babies; and not so much in the period that comes after all of that. After my surgery to remove my ovary, I had a bad reaction to the glue they used on my suture sites. The skin became inflamed and itched something horrible. When I called about it, she told me to put some cortisone on it and deal. I actually had a nurse at my PCP's office take a look at them to make sure they weren't infected, because I didn't want to deal with the gynecologist. She made me feel like I had done something wrong, or that I was crazy. I still don't understand  how she changed so much.

Finding a good GI doctor is like trying to win the lottery; and getting in to see a good GI doctor is like waiting for Christmas. My GI doctor was too busy to see me, so she sent me to see her new PA... Her old PA was awesome, but no one would tell me where she went.. So I had to go see the new PA. I explained to this guy about the shortness of breath, about how this started once I started exercising more intensely; and he told me some story about a saber toothed tiger chasing a cave man. Now, I know that what he was trying to get at was the whole fight or flight bodily reaction, but since I am a literal thinker and know for a fact that saber toothed tigers are extinct; his entire analogy was a fail. He sent me to do the gastric emptying test, told me I had gastroparesis, gave me a hand out for the diet and a prescription for Domperidone (a drug that is not FDA approved in the US) and sent me on my way. But I still had questions. WHY do I have gastroparesis? HOW did it develop? Will it just continue to get worse or is it something that flares up on occasion? I also have a hiatal  hernia, could that be getting worse and causing shortness of breath? I never got those answers. The second GI doctor I saw was a little better, but still at a loss. He prescribed a couple of different drugs for me, but my body is super sensitive and I reacted badly to them. His last resort was Elavil (an antidepressant that helps suppress the visceral response to a physical ailment - like having anxiety attached to feeling overly full after a meal.) After that, he was done with me. I finally got in to see my original GI doctor - she's a really great doctor - but this experience with her was not good. She seemed exasperated. Said I was looking for some magic cure to fix everything. She said I was looking at a 'good decade' of struggling with my hormones and trying to feel balanced. I left her office in tears, why do doctors do that? I know that is NOT going to be the case with me. At this point, I'm done with GI doctors.

It's seems to me that a lot of doctors either don't know or don't want to take the time to explore the hows and whys of what's wrong. Other doctors seem to take a sadistic pleasure in scaring the shit out of people so that they won't expand their minds and seek out alternative treatments. Endocrinologists are notorious for that; they don't want you taking a natural desiccated thyroid pill like Armour, the endocrinologist I saw asked me if I knew what was in Armour, then proceeded to explain the process of drying out a pig thyroid and grinding it up to make a pill. Sorry honey, I eat bacon. Popping a pressed capsule of dried pig thyroid doesn't gross me out. So she tried the scare tactic; that taking NDT (naturally desiccated thyroid) will put me at risk for cardiac failure or osteoporosis. I know better.. There is no proof. I read a lot on the internet, and sorting through fact and fiction can be a challenge. But when you consistently read the same things from a variety of sources, it helps you to form an opinion on what is best for you and gives you ideas of the hows and whys. Some doctors don't like it when you present this to them - "I read this on the internet, what do you think?" If they have a big ego they laugh in your face and shove a prescription at you. A good doctor will listen and take your thoughts into consideration.

So during all of this, here's what I've learned... That gastroparesis can in fact be caused by thyroid disease. It makes sense, the thyroid gland controls so many things in your body; including how efficiently your digestive system works. If you're hypothyroid and low in hormones, then your digestive system can slow down and sometimes even stop. That's what gastroparesis IS. NO ONE even mentioned the possibility of a connection between the two. I've also learned that menopause and hypothyroid have a lot of the same symptoms, so finding out what's causing what can be tricky. In my own particular case - my plan is to focus on getting one thing balanced first then see what's left over. With the new diagnosis of Hashimoto's, it's going to be even more difficult, but I think I will get there. I know that there's a connection between thyroid and menopause, unfortunately so many women don't know this and may get diagnosed with one while the other still rages on, leaving them with ongoing symptoms and frustration. I've learned that doctors still think that antidepressants are the answer to everything - instead of trying to find the cause of depression or anxiety and seeing those things as a SYMPTOM rather than a disorder themselves. I know my anxiety is a symptom, and I know that once I fix whatever is causing it, it will abate. I know this because it's already calmed down tremendously since I started using hormone replacement therapy.

My theory is that it's all about balance. Once I get balance, I will feel healthy again. I will still have gastroparesis. I will still have Hashimoto's. I will still be in surgical menopause; but I want to get to a point where I am not defined by these things. I refuse to accept that I'm sick, that I'm limited because of that. I'm determined to dig and find the root causes and FIX THEM. Even if I never get back to 100%, I know I can get close.

My advice to anyone who is on a journey like this: READ. Read blogs, articles, message boards. Learn. Pay attention to your body - you should know it well enough to be able to tell when something isn't right. And if you go to the doctor, and that doctor blows you off, makes you feel stupid, ignores your input or treats you like you're just another cow in the assembly line - FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR. No one can advocate for your health better than you can.

Stuck

I've been so busy waiting to feel better, that I forgot to move. I sit very still for very long periods of time - waiting. My world has closed into this hushed, tiny sphere; with me at the center - sitting very still. Just waiting. I'm not usually the type of person who accepts defeat, lies down, and gives up; so this is quite perplexing. I know part of it is physical, I'm always tired. I'm always cold. I have issues with my breathing. But I've gotten to a point of coddling those things instead of pushing at them. Prodding to test the limits. Again, there is a reason for this - I've pushed the air hunger thing and ended up with panic attacks; half a mile from home with the dog on a leash, in the middle of the grocery store, getting a pedicure; walking to the mailbox. Anxiety is like a virus, it starts small but soon takes over, and I've let it. Panic attacks are horrible. Feeling like I can't get enough air and I'm suffocating is terrifying. How could I not want to avoid that feeling? 

I've had a lot of people telling me what I should and shouldn't do, and you know what? I already know all of this stuff. I just hear 'blah blah blah' because people should already know how advice works - you can dole it out until your face turns blue, but until a person is actually ready to accept and make changes; you're just wasting your breath. Not to mention that in my case, most of the time the advice is unsolicited, and it pisses me off to receive unsolicited advice. It makes me defensive. I'll push to expand this sphere when I'm ready. I'll cut back on the Xanax when I'm ready. I know the dangers of becoming addicted to it, I know how this works - I'm not stupid. I'm stagnant. I'm afraid, and I'm stuck; but I'm not stupid. I have a specific group of people whom I go to for advice; from everyone else I just need a little patience and a little understanding. 

My primary care physician is finally back from leave and I saw him yesterday. It is a huge relief to have him back on the radar; he is one of the people I rely heavily on for advice and information. We mostly talked about the Hashimoto's and the gastroparesis; one theory for why my thyroid numbers and symptoms are all over the map is absorption issues. Since my digestive system is not working right, I'm probably not absorbing my thyroid medication consistently. I believe it, when I was taking an oral progesterone pill - I didn't really feel anything. Since switching to a sublingual (it melts under my tongue, bypassing the gut and going right into the blood stream) I've noticed that it's helping me sleep. So we're going to switch me to a compounded sublingual troche for the thyroid - and find a dose that's between 90 mg (too low) and 120 mg (too high.) He's also running some tests to rule out bacterial overgrowth in the guts, and a saliva cortisol test - I'm fairly certain my adrenals are shot, I just don't know what to do about it. My weight is maintaining at 125, so that's good.

As far as my other hormones go, I'm on the right track with the pellets. I feel a little better overall, but I know sometimes it takes a while for those to kick in. I started low too; so it might take a couple of insertions before getting that just right. The doctor thinks the thyroid is my main issue right now so he wants to work on that. He also says he believes I'm depressed (uh yeah, ya think?) I admitted that. Anyone in my situation would be depressed. But with the bipolar disorder and my propensity to lean more towards the depressive pole - I have to be diligent. I've been acutely aware of the depression because it's not my usual soft, melancholy depression; where I just feel introspective and painfully in touch with my emotions (which I actually don't mind.) This is that dark pit kind of depression, and that's the dangerous one.

And that's where a little pushing needs to come into play. But I don't want to BE pushed - I need to push myself. I haven't had a depressive episode like this in a very long time, but I know that no one can get me out of it but me. This goes beyond hormones and a jacked up stomach; I feel stuck. And getting unstuck is going to take some conscious effort on my part. I've noticed that I don't listen to music anymore, music has always been like medicine for me. I'm listening to music right now. I need to remember to listen to music that lifts my spirits and makes me feel like moving. So I'll uncurl from the sphere and move. I have to make myself. The hardest thing is going to be facing the fears and phobias that have developed over the past 9 months - driving being one of them. Taking walks by myself. Being in social situations. I've been avoiding all of that. I have a new comfort zone. And it's really, really small. And with no set schedule it's easy for me to relapse into what I know, so this is going to take some work.

Another area of frustration for me has been FOOD. Both Hashimoto's and Gastroparesis have special dietary requirements to manage them. Hashimoto's focuses on clean eating, no gluten, no processed foods, eating lots of fresh organic fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and other whole grains - like rice. The AIP eating (autoimmune protocol)  takes this a step further and eliminates ALL grains and dairy. On the other hand, Gastroparesis focuses on eating easy to digest foods. Guess what's the easiest to digest? Processed foods. Mashed potatoes, pudding, macaroni and cheese, pasta, chicken. Canned fruits and vegetables cooked until they're mush. No fresh fruits or vegetables because of the fiber. It's ridiculous trying to find balance. I am good with some dairy - eggs, butter, cheese, milk; these don't bother me. So I compromise - I eat gluten free waffles and cereal; easy to digest foods but also gluten free; but I'm stuck in a rut and eat the same thing every day. I should just juice everything and be done with it.....

The photo above has a quote from a song from a band called The Temper Trap. The song is called Sweet Disposition. It's one of those songs that makes me feel good, but that line in particular sticks in my head. I won't stop 'til it's over - I won't stop to surrender...

Every Fighter Needs a Theme Song

Walk

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance,
To whom it may concern.
I think I lost my way,
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return.

Learning to walk again,
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again,
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains,
Then sat and watched them burn.
I think I found my place,
Can't you feel it growing stronger?
Little conquerors.

Learning to walk again,
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again,
I believe I've waited long enough 
Where do I begin?

Now!
For the very first time.
Don't you pay no mind.
Set me free, again.
To keep alive, a moment at a time.
That's still inside, a whisper to a riot.
The sacrifice, the knowing to survive.
The first decline, another state of mind.
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign.
Forever, whenever, I never wanna die.
I never wanna die.
I never wanna die.
I'm on my knees, I never wanna die.
I'm dancing on my grave.
I'm running through the fire.
Forever, whenever.
I never wanna die.
I never wanna leave.
I'll never say goodbye.
Forever, Whenever.
Forever, Whenever.

Learning to walk again.
I believe I've waited long enough.
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again.
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Learning to walk again.
I believe I've waited long enough.

Learning to talk again.
Can't you see I've waited long enough?

-- Foo Fighters

My Journey So Far

Up until about 9 months ago, things were going really great for me. But let me go back just a little further to set some things up before I begin my story. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the summer of 2000. I was 29 years old. At that time, I had complete faith in my doctor, I handed him my broken spirit and asked him to fix it. He put me on a bunch of drugs that only made my situation worse. I had never had a panic attack in my life until I took bipolar medications. In 2006, I got off of all medications and focused on diet and exercise. In 2007, I had a new primary care physician, I went to him because I thought I was starting menopause. He said my thyroid wasn't working right and put me on Armour thyroid. That helped and I was good to go for a while. In 2009, I ended up having a hysterectomy. They took everything except my right ovary. I had a pretty rocky year after that, but started to level out. I started having bad acid reflux and ended up having my gallbladder removed in 2010. (That seems to be a consensus, if it's not working right - take it out...) Things got better, I got healthy, and life went on.

In 2011 at the age of 40, I started participating in inline skate races, I had a full social calendar, I had a full time job; life was good. I was lifting weights and in January 2013, I started running and began training for my first half marathon. I ran my first half marathon in May, (I finished in 2:05 - my goal had been 2:30!) and several other races after that. I quit my job at the end of May, the plan was to take a month off and start looking for a new job. I skated my first inline marathon of the year on June 15th in Wisconsin and aside from some low level anxiety and trouble eating the night before, I felt okay. I ran my second half marathon on June 29th, and that's when things really started to fall apart.

Me nine months ago

It started with an increase in acid reflux and feeling overly full after some meals - usually after a hard training day. I was running a lot, and running was new for me. I started having a harder time recovering from a workout, feeling breathless for hours after I'd finished; especially after a long run. I was having the overly full feeling more frequently, along with some dizziness and feeling light-headed and anxious. I kept tweaking my nutrition, thinking it was something I was - or wasn't - eating/drinking. After I ran my second half marathon, I could not catch my breath or get my heart rate down afterwards. I walked around for a good 30 minutes to get my body to calm down. I felt dizzy and had stomach cramps. I was supposed to run another half on July 13th, but I dropped down to the 10k. I should have skipped it; that was the last time I ran.

I felt good during that race, finished strong, paid attention to after race nutrition, and figured I was okay. Later that night I had the overly full feeling, which made me feel like I couldn't catch my breath; and I had my first panic attack. The feeling of not being able to get enough air landed me in the ER 2 days later, hyperventilating so badly that all of my muscles froze and I couldn't even walk. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I described to the ER doctor that it seemed to get worse after I ate, so without any tests he prescribed Reglan and sent me on my way. I took a week off from exercise, took the Reglan, and started feeling better. I needed to start training for my next race: a duathlon in Minnesota the first weekend in August (skate a half marathon, run a 5k.) On July 23rd, I went for a skate. Immediately into it, I was having trouble breathing. I decided to just take it easy and keep it short. With just over 3 miles left until I would be back to my truck; out in the middle of a park on the bike trail; I started having a panic attack.

If you've never had one, it is hard to describe how absolutely terrifying they can be. My heart was racing, I was shaking, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I honestly do not know how I got back to my truck; but I did. I tried to get my breathing under control so I could drive; but I just couldn't do it. I had some cyclists call an ambulance; and it was off to the emergency room again. This time they did a CT scan. They found a minor heart abnormality and a large cyst on my ovary. 

At this point, I knew that my season was over. I set aside my athletic goals and began a quest for answers. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I can't breathe? Why am I having panic attacks?? What the hell just happened??? I found out that anxiety is a side effect of Reglan so I quit taking it, I figured it had a hand in making a bad situation much worse. I had to cancel my remaining races and focus on getting healthy.

So began my journey to find out and fix what was wrong with me so I could get back to my busy life. Little did I know what I was in for.

The gastroenterologist 

Since it seemed like things got worse after I ate, I started with the GI doc. At this point I'm barely eating, I have a lot of anxiety around mealtime (and in general) and I'm dropping weight like crazy. The panic attacks are spontaneous and awful so I'm taking a lot of Xanax. the GI doc ordered a gastric emptying test; I ate some radioactive eggs and had my stomach scanned once an hour for 4 hours. At 4 hours I still had food in my stomach. Diagnosis: gastroparesis (stomach empties too slow.) I'm put on this ridiculous diet and given a prescription for a drug you can't even get in this country.

The primary care physician

First of all, my primary care physician is fantastic, I love him. By the time I went to see him, I was a mess. I didn't believe that the stomach issues were all that was going on; I believed they were a symptom of something else. One of the things I had my Dr do was check all of my hormones. My T3 and T4 (thyroid) were a little high, while my estrogen and progesterone were practically non-existent. My doctor lowered my thyroid medication and told me that my one lone ovary was more than likely failing. So I figured it was time to follow up on the cyst.

Gynecologist #1

I went to my gynecologist convinced that low hormones were the cause of all my woes. She did an ultrasound and concluded that the cyst was complex and about the size of a small orange. She wasn't interested in my hormone labs, and told me that the only symptoms of menopause were hot flashes, night sweats, and trouble sleeping. She told me to see a cardiologist, and endocrinologist, and a psychiatrist. She said we could wait to see if the cyst resolved on its own; or I could have surgery to remove the ovary. But she would not give me any hormone replacement as long as I still had the ovary. She told me it could be cancer, and ran some tests. After several agonizing months, I had the ovary removed in October. I started hormones, the Vivelle dot .025 mg. 

My primary care physician went out on personal leave in September, leaving me to try and figure out all of this shit on my own. I know, it's not his fault but I still felt abandoned by him. I saw a cardiologist and my tests all came back normal. Still feeling like crap 4 weeks after surgery, I asked my gynecologist if I could increase my hormones. She bumped me to the .0375 mg patch. 

In the meantime, I lost 15 pounds, going from 130 to 115. (I'm 5'3") I had horrible panic attacks anytime I got into a car, I would get winded just going up stairs. I was constantly cold. I was sleeping like crap and relying on the Xanax to give me relief and help me sleep. I was also having major issues with constipation - extremely major. My gynecologist wouldn't do blood tests to see where my hormone levels were and refused to increase my patch again; so I decided it was time to find a new doctor.

The Endocrinologist

I went to the Endo in November. I really had high hopes, because I figured this doctor is an expert in hormones, right? Well, all she cared about was my suppressed TSH (which is common in people who take Armour or other naturally desiccated hormones) so the first thing she wanted to do was take me off of Armour and put me on Synthroid; she didn't even want to talk about my other hormones until January. I left feeling frustrated and confused. I had no idea where to turn next.

Me - Dec 2013: 115 lbs. I haven't been this thin since my early 20's...

Hormone Specialist #1

I did a Google search and found this guy, and at first I was reluctant to go see him because he was pretty far from the house. I still couldn't drive and still had issues with being in a car. But I made an appointment and had my dad drive me. The doctor saw me right away, we talked about my symptoms, he drew some blood; told me that women without ovaries were the 'easiest to treat' and promised to have me 'back to 99%' by January. He put a rush on my labs and I had the results within 4 days. No surprise; I was low in everything - estrogen, testosterone and progesterone. He was okay with my thyroid labs where they were so opted not to change my thyroid medication or dose. He put me on a compounded hormone cream consisting of estroil, estradoil (two of the main components of estrogen) progesterone, and testosterone. He also put me on oral compounded progesterone to help with my anxiety and to help me sleep. I tore off the stupid patch and started the creams. On my own I decided to increase my Armour back up to 120 mg. At this point I am also seeing a therapist to help with the anxiety. She wants to put me on Prozac - I resist.

I did pretty well on the cream at first; I started gaining weight (in my case that was actually a good thing) but I was still having lingering symptoms. We increased the dose at the end of December, and again in January after labs showed I was still low in everything. Obviously I wasn't absorbing enough of the cream; so he put me BACK on the stupid patch along with a cream that was only progesterone and testosterone. Within 2 days I was back to the horrid constipation and fluctuating hormones. I took off the patch and went back to the cream - in the meantime, since I apparently didn't fit into the profile of the typical 'easy to treat woman without ovaries', this doctor pretty much gave up on me. I refused to accept this as my quality of life - so on to yet another doctor.

Gynecologist #2

I went back to my original gynecologists office; only this time I saw a different doctor. We talked for about an hour, she asked me a ton of questions, and told me that some women have trouble absorbing transdermal delivery options (like creams, gels, and patches.) She also asked me if I had Hashimoto's. I didn't even know what that was. She had a ton of blood drawn, then scheduled me for hormone pellets. I was so excited, I figured at last I would get some relief. Since this doctor is so popular, it took me 4 weeks to get in to see her again. About a week after my blood draw, I got my labs back - my estrogen and testosterone were sky high; apparently I wasn't supposed to put my cream on prior to the lab draw. I called and asked if we could re-check it because I knew that wasn't right (my E was 508 and my T was 334 - there is NO WAY I was that high.) They said there was no reason to recheck and the numbers weren't important. They called me two days later saying they forgot a lab and asked me to come back in. When I went in to get that lab drawn; I asked again if they could recheck my E and T; they again told me it was not necessary so I trusted that and let it go. My labs also showed my thyroid peroxidase antibodies to be at 117; anything over 35 is abnormal, confirming Hashimoto's.

Four weeks passed. I went in for my pellet insertion; only to find that I'm scheduled to see an RN, and not the regular doctor. I had a lot of questions - primarily about the pellets, and my thyroid and what did the antibodies mean; the nurse said yes, you have Hashimoto's. So what do I do? Do I change my diet? Take medication? What? After a while it seemed like she was sick of me asking questions and went and got another nurse to come in and talk to me. This nurse took a look at my labs and said I was 'way too high' in everything and that doing pellets would be a mistake. I tried to tell her that those numbers were a false spike but she told me no, and that was why I felt so crappy. She wanted me to drop my Armour to 90 mg for two weeks; then drop to 60 mg; and then come back to see her again in 4 weeks. She told me to start the Prozac, I mean really; what could it hurt? So I started 10 mg of Prozac...

After I got home, I got an email saying that they had, in fact, checked my E and T again at that second blood draw; my E was 99 and my T was 62.... I emailed the nurse stating this, asking what does that mean? My emails and phone calls went un-answered. I emailed again after dropping back down to 90 mg on my Armour and told her I felt horrible. She finally emailed back and said it was time to switch me to - you guessed it - Synthroid AND Cytomel - two totally synthetic thyroid hormones. Not one word about the complete and total difference in the two hormone results...

At this point I'm feeling extremely frustrated. I have been out of work for almost a year. I can't hardly leave the house; most days I'm so fatigued and so cold that I spend the day on the couch under an electric blanket. I feel like I can't breathe and get winded easily. I have muscle aches and tension, stomach issues, my weight keeps fluctuating, I can't sleep worth a crap. I'm exhausted during the day but unable to nap. I'm so depressed that I go for days without showering - it takes too much energy. I have absolutely zero quality of life. The only time I leave the house is to go to dr appointments or the grocery store and it's never by myself. I've thought about suicide. I've gotten totally lost in the past because my memories of what was are so much better than what currently is. I hate my life. Another Google search, another doctor...

Hormone Specialist #2

On April 14th, I went in to see a new doctor. I had zero expectations and actually felt a weary resignation that this one would also be a disappointment. We talked for two hours. He ordered more blood work and told me that I should actually not use my hormone cream the night before or the morning of my blood draw. He told me to take my thyroid medication 5 hours prior to my blood draw. We scheduled our follow up appointment for April 21st. I went in, we talked again - and I opted to have pellets inserted at that time. He injected 12.5 mg of estradoil, 100 mg of testosterone, and 25 mg of progesterone. He left it up to me if I wanted to stay at 90 mg of Armour or go up to 120 mg (I'm opting to stay at 90 mg for now.) He also put me on an assortment of supplements: oxytocin, DHEA/Pregnenolone, Vitamin D - 5000 i.u., 5-HTP,melatonin, and a probiotic. I also take vitamin C and a vegetarian multivitamin. I have not started the 5-HTP yet; I quit taking the Prozac and wanted to wait a week before adding the 5-HTP, since they both work with Serotonin. My experience with the Melatonin was not comfortable; it made me feel sleepy and drugged but I still could not fall asleep. Not sure what to do there.

So... That is where I am now. One week out from having pellets injected. So far, I feel the same; although I'm not as cold all of the time anymore. I do still have the strange internal tremor feeling, my jaw/ears ache, my eyes bug me a bit, tinnitus, and the ever-present shortness of breath. The thing that started this entire journey. 

Sorry this is so long - but I swear I left out a bunch of stuff... I'm currently stabilized at 125lbs and eating gluten free for the Hashimoto's. It helps with bloating but other than that, I don't know if it's making any difference. My primary care physician is still out on leave and I don't know when he'll be back.

 Below are some links for anyone who wants more detailed explanations of any of the disorders.

For a more information about Gastroparesis - click here

For a more information about Hashimoto's disease - click here

For a more information about surgical menopause - click here

I believe that all of these things are connected; I believe the hormones (thyroid and sex hormones) have aggravated my already slow digestive system - giving me the diagnosis of gastroparesis. I feel that once I get my hormones balanced, that my stomach issues will calm down. I know that Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disease, but it seems like a lot of doctors think it's 'no big deal' and don't seem interested in finding the root cause of it to heal it. My first step is getting my female hormones aligned. Then I'll go from there. This big long winded blog will be for that. Thanks for sticking with me...